I keep asking myself what or rather who my first love was. Intuitively I would say that it was my first partner, the first person I had a relationship with and shared intimacy.
But then I keep thinking: There have been 3 people in my life, I would say I genuinely loved other than my family. 3 people that I shared everything with, which I knew better than myself and that being with them change me, the way I looked at things and who helped me grow. And weirdly my friendships/relationships with them roughly blended into each other; they replaced each other slowly but certainly.
I knew my best friend since I was not even 1 year old. I described our friendship a little more in one of my recent entries. I was so certain that we would stay friends forever. But when I got into high school I met another great friend and things started to change. I realized that I was so focused on my friendship with my best friend, that I didn’t allow new friends into my life. I thought that I would never meet someone who would meet my expectations on how a friend should be, how close a relation should be to really mean something. And I started noticing more and more the little things that bothered me about my long term friendship. So we started developing into different directions and slowly started growing apart. This new person I met; this new friendship was kind of the transitional period between my best friend and my first relationship, but it was still really strong for a while.
And about 2 years ago my focus changed again when I met the first person I not only loved as a friend but as a partner and with whom I shared intimacy. Of course, I am still friends with the people from before, but our friendships changed drastically. They got more superficial. More normal.
Now I think I am really slowly transitioning out of my 3rd friendship/relationship. I don’t know where I am headed now, because there is no one but myself in sight, but I feel that the circumstances are changing.
So I came to the conclusion that I already had 3 great loves in my life. When you are younger a relationship doesn’t involve the physical, intimate aspect. But when you get older you develop additional needs that need to be satisfied, which brings me back to one of my recent entry topics about how in adult life our partner becomes our best friend.