I am standing in front of life, trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go, overwhelmed by the thousands of possibilities in front of me, lost within myself and lost between choices.
I am sitting in my room watching a video about how to edit photos in Photoshop lightroom, walking from the train station to my friend’s apartment listening and dancing to music, running through the forest next to our house trying to clear my mind, lying in bed reading about self-control being the key to happiness, riding my bike to meet someone who built his own houseboat, trying to teach my mom some taichi in our garden….
But during all these moments every day there are just so many thoughts that never want to leave my mind:
Who am I? What do I want to learn? What do I want to be good at? Where do I want to live in the future? How do I want to earn money? What kind of a life do I want to live? What is going to make me happy? How should I figure out what I am good at and what kind of job is most suitable for me?
I am interested in so many things, eager to learn anything that I am curious about. But how should I choose just one thing, one direction, one job? And how should I know that this is going to be the one, the one that will make me happy and fulfilled for the rest of my life, know that the path I am taking is the right one? How?
In the last 2 weeks I´ve imagined myself in so many professions, working at different places, in different countries, having different duties, jobs, thinking, wearing, doing something and being someone else.
Working as a scientist on a boat shipping through the Antarctic, taking samples of micro animals in the sea, or tramping through the jungle in search of an undiscovered species. Yes. I could see myself as a biologist or explorer, traveling the world and doing research about plants, animals, ecosystems etc.
I also love physical training. I´ve been practicing Taekwondo for almost 10 years now, reached the level of a master, being allowed to teach. I just finished a yearlong immersive program in China, in which I discovered my passion for Taichi. Maybe I should focus on that and start teaching.
Being able to build my own tiny house out of wood and other materials, knowing how to handle the different tools and to create and design my dream house would be amazing to learn. I could build my own portable home and travel the world with it. And because I would already y go into the direction of planning, designing and building furniture and whole constructions, I might as well study interior design, room setup or architecture. I´m sure I can find a job as an architect almost everywhere in the world.
But then again I am really interested in photography, picture and video-editing and could imagine myself being a photographer traveling the world, taking pictures of all the amazing places I would visit and also taking videos maybe for YouTube and earn my money with that.
Wait. I am really good at organizing, planning and keeping the overview of something. Perhaps I should study management…?
Oh, and writing. I enjoy writing. I could be a travelblogger or work for a travel organization, giving recommendations about where to travel, what to bring, which hotel to stay in, where to eat, where to buy groceries, what to pay attention to etc. or I could be an author writing my stories while traveling through the world.
Or a stargazer, the universe is an unknown and unexplored place; or a diver, diving is fun; or an artist, I always liked drawing and painting; or a cook, because food is existential and delicious; or a translator; or; or; or
I wish there was a machine that could plant the memory of a job being so amazing and perfect for me into my mind so that I would think or know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I would be happy, even if my job would consist of picking strawberries in a field every day and selling them on the weekend on a local fruit market. And that’s all I want. I want to be happy and fulfilled with what I do. But what is it going to be? How shall I find out? What path must I follow?
I have moments in which I feel so lost and confused. I let myself get depressed and sad because I am so afraid of making the wrong choice or not being happy with what I am going to be doing in the future. How do other people find their passion? Do they even make their passion into their job? Or did they just choose one thing that came across their way and are pleased with what they got? Could I be pleased with anything?
I just don’t want to be one thing, good at only one thing. I don’t want to be only an architect or only a biologist. I want to be good at lots of things.
So what’s the key?
Maybe the choices are not the problem. Maybe it´s me. Maybe my demands are too high and I wouldn´t be happy regardless of which career I would choose. Perhaps there is no “perfect job” and I have to change my attitude towards an occupation having to be “the perfect one”, because maybe any kind of job that I am interested in could fulfill me. But who knows?