Sometimes I ask myself why I am actually living. For what and for whom? I am going to die at the end anyway, so why even bother trying to live the perfect life? It’s all for nothing in the end anyway, right?
I am so exhausted. Mentally exhausted. I am tired of thinking about how I want and how I can live the perfect life. Which decisions and steps I have to take to reach the optimal life.
I feel like my world has no sense, no meaning, no purpose. Life is about experience, right? But at the and we all die anyway, so what’s the point of going through all the struggle, having to deal with all the problems, overcoming obstacle by obstacle, trying to make the best choices, and hoping they’ll eventually lead to happiness.
Isn’t life too short to build and shape and create and work for a life that may never be perfect and that will be over so quickly? Or am I just worrying too much, thinking about all the decisions to make instead of just making one and start living my life? Is it that important to always make the perfect decisions, or is it enough to give it your best and enjoy what you have?
I am often afraid of living an ordinary, boring life, following the rules that were created to force us to follow a certain path, without questioning sense or reason. Many times I find myself waking up, asking myself all these questions, and doubting my choices, my actions, and myself. Life seems so difficult sometimes, especially when you live it by yourself and face the obstacles on your own.
But sometimes moments or rather people can change your beliefs. To me, it’s frightening and not understandable how meeting a person you like can change your mood and your perspective on life so drastically. It’s as if meeting this person takes away almost all your worries, you start perceiving life as more easy-going, and you become a more light-hearted and optimistic person. Your worries disappear, and you wonder why you have been so heavy-hearted and pessimistic all this time. You stop caring about the things you thought were necessary for living your ideal life. How is that possible? Isn’t that strange and scary? That suddenly you let go of all your dreams and desires just to be with this one person?
That’s why, to me, control over my thoughts and emotions is so important. I don’t want to be controlled by my feelings for another person. I want to be always present, conscious of myself and my decisions, always able to think rationally and reasonably and make my own choices based on what I think is right for me, and not be dazzled and blinded by evanescent feelings.